THE BODY
Over the years of developing the 6MX process, I’ve concentrated the research and training to include only the most reliable and most common behaviors to spot to gain the most accurate information about who you’re communicating with.
The behavior of the body is just as reliable as the face, but we spend less time in conversation looking at the body. This section of the 6MX contains the essential behaviors that can be observed on occasion and others that you will be able to observe in your peripheral vision while making eye contact.
CROSSED ARMS
There are countless articles online illustrating all the varied meanings of people who cross their arms. However, most are unreliable. If you observe someone crossing their arms, the causes and reasons can be so varied that it becomes an inaccurate assessment.
If you observe arm-crossing behavior, ignore it.
There are two exceptions to this:
If you see a simple ‘normal’ looking arm-cross, ignore the behavior with one exception. The fingers of the person you’re observing should be taken into account. The tension in the fingers can illustrate the psychology of the person. Relaxed fingers show us that this person is generally relaxed and that the behavior is simply an extension of that. If the fingers are curled and dig into the arm, you are seeing discomfort, stress, or disagreement. This finger movement is called digital flexion, and will be covered later in more detail.
NOTE: We tend to think in terms of still images when learning behavior and body language. This is a critical error that many make as they learn the art of people-reading. As you imagine each of these behaviors, picture the movement from one behavior to another. For instance, instead of memorizing what the curled fingers mean with the arm-cross, imagine a moving picture of what that behavior looks like; the fingers going from relaxed to curled on the arm. Now you can place the behavior with the context that created it. In all of behavior analysis, we are watching for changes and movement, not still images.
Compass Notes: Annotate using ‘Acc’.
GENITAL PROTECTION
Men and women will perform different actions that qualify as genital protection.
Men will perform a behavior known as the ‘Fig Leaf,’ women will perform something called a ‘single arm-wrap.’ Both of these behaviors communicate the same internal feelings:
Either vulnerable, threatened, or insecure.
THE FIG LEAF
Men’s hands will retract toward the genitals, eventually ending up being held in front of the genitals together. In a standing position, we have all seen this behavior—a man standing upright with both hands held together in front of their groin. In a seated position, this same behavior can be observed, with one or two hands covering the genitals. The movement of this behavior is what you are going to be looking for.
Imagine a conversation with someone. A man’s hands rest comfortably on his legs. As a topic is mentioned, the hand(s) slide backward toward the groin area, covering the genitals.
The movement, in this case, is what tips us off to the context that created the emotion. We see the hand move towards the genitals and immediately identify the topic being discussed that caused the movement.
EXAMPLE: You’re a therapist speaking to a patient with depression, and as you mention their relationship with their mother, their hands move backward, settling in front of the genitals. You know immediately that you need to ask questions about this.
EXAMPLE: You’re in a high-stakes business negotiation, and as you talk about the terms, you mention that a new board member will be appointed to the company. As you say the name of the new board member, you observe the retreat of the hands toward the genitals.
You could be seeing vulnerability, insecurity, or the feeling of being threatened by these topics.
THE SINGLE-ARM WRAP
Women will exhibit the single arm wrap when experiencing the same feelings.
Imagine you’re a hiring manager at a financial firm. You sit down to interview a young woman, and everything is going well. As you ask her about why she left her previous employer, she says, “Everything was fine there. I just needed a change of scenery.” As she began her statement, you noticed her arm fold over her lower abdomen, and her hand gently grasp her forearm. You’ve identified genital protection. You know you have work to do here.
Now imagine you’re a doctor. A female patient comes in and is complaining of headaches. While gathering her medical history, you ask her about feelings of depression or self-harm. As she denies having those feelings, she crosses her arm across her belly, and her hand comes to rest on the opposite forearm.
Genital protection is woven into our entire psychology. While we no longer have to protect our reproductive organs from attacks by tigers and lions, the instinct to do so is still alive and well within us. Internal feelings are on public display.
Compass Notes:
Annotate both the Fig Leaf and Single-Arm Wrap using ‘Gp’ for genital protection, followed by the topic that you believe to be the cause of the behavior.
DIGITAL EXTENTION
Our fingers reveal a lot about how we feel. Typically, the further a body part is from the head, the harder it is to control during stress and elatedness.
Digital extension is a behavior that reveals comfort, agreement, relaxation, and focus. In other words, it’s good when you see it.
Digital extension is a small movement of the fingers away from the palm. The fingers are moving from a curled position (not a fist) to a less-curled position. They are relaxing. This behavior is something that can be seen out of your peripheral vision and doesn’t take long to learn. Simply watching a few online videos can show you exactly how common this behavior is and how easy it will be to spot.
In most seated conversations, hands are placed on the table or within your view. If they aren’t in your view, you can obviously ignore the need to profile the hands. But since the hands are visible most of the time, they serve as a reliable barometer of how well the conversation is progressing.
Compass Notes:
Use a simple ‘De’ followed by the topic when you observe Digital Extension.
SCENARIO:
You’re a senior executive and involved in negotiations with another company for a massive deal. Amid the tensions, you’ve agreed to a meeting with the other company’s representatives. As you go through your list of points, you notice digital extension across the table when you make your initial pricing offer. This is a good sign, as you’ve discovered the number is favorable to the other party.
SCENARIO:
While checking in to your flight, you observe digital extension in the airline employee as you mention the topic of cocktails. This discovery lets you know that the topic is favorable, so you decide to elaborate on it and wind up being upgraded to First-Class.
Digital extension is a great barometer for conversations. Whenever you see this behavior, take special note of what is being discussed. This is something you may want to bring back up at the end of the conversation when it’s time to ask the person for a favor.
Over the course of a conversation, negotiation, or discussion with anyone, digital extension alerts you to every detail that causes the person to relax and pay attention.
DIGITAL FLEXION
Digital flexion is a negative behavior. It can illustrate disagreement, doubt, anger, stress, and even fear. Since you will already be on the lookout for digital extension, digital flexion will be equally easy to spot.
The behavior has the reverse appearance of digital extension, wherein the fingers curl inward toward the palm. This behavior is not someone making a fist. It is a gradual, and most times, subtle, behavior that can involve minimal movement of the fingers.
Context is very important. When you see digital flexion, its meaning is unknown until you’re able to understand the topics, subjects, or events that likely created the behavior.
Compass Notes:
Use ‘Df’ followed by the behavior.
SCENARIO:
In a sales office, a customer shows digital flexion the very same moment you mention a warranty. You immediately identify this and ask them if they have any questions about the warranty by saying, “I realize there’s a whole lot here. This warranty thing is especially confusing sometimes. Did you have any concerns about it?”
SCENARIO:
It’s Friday night, and you’ve been dragged into a speed-dating event with friends. You sit down at a table with a man who is charming and friendly. As you make a casual joke about ‘criminal records,’ you spot strong digital flexion. He hands you his number at the end of the evening. Instead of calling him right away, you search online and discover a felony assault charge. Yikes.
Digital flexion isn’t a sure-fire indicator of deception or even concealment, but it is something to look for. Now that you’ve been trained, you’ll know that once you see it, it becomes a relevant data point, and you know to look for others. Any time you see digital flexion, identify the context and consider it a valuable data point to either deal with in the moment or contrast to future behaviors.
FIDGETING
Fidgeting is written about in body language articles all over. Fidgeting happens when a person repetitively makes small movements with the feet and hands. This behavior typically serves no purpose but can alert us to a few possibilities of its meaning.
Fidgeting occurs when we have increased adrenaline or when our brain is under-stimulated (bored) and is making an attempt to keep our mind active.
A good rule of thumb from body language expert Joe Navarro is that ‘all repetitive behavior is self-soothing.’
If you observe this behavior, it’s likely the person you’re speaking with is either excited or bored, but it could be neither. Once you’ve taken the context into account and observed the other behaviors that are visible, you’ll be able to determine the meaning of the behavior.
Fidgeting serves us only as a data point among many and is not a behavior that I would recommend you pay close attention to, but it is worthy of noting when you see it. Make note of the context anytime you see this behavior.
Compass Notes:
Use ‘Fi’ followed by what you think caused the behavior.
FEET HONESTY
Our feet tell a story about intent. If you approach a group of people who are talking, you’ll notice the feet pointing toward the person in the group who has the most attention of the group. This will typically be either the leader of that group or someone who is most socially connected to them all. The direction feet are pointed can tell us quite a bit, and the good news is you don’t have to stare at them during a conversation.
The feet are furthest from the head. They are far more likely to betray our intent nonverbally than our other body parts, which live closer to the brain and are easier for us to manage.
In any conversation, make an occasional note of which direction feet are pointed. If they are pointed at you, that’s a great sign. If they move from pointing at you to pointing at an exit, this might indicate their desire to leave the conversation. Feet broadcast intent and focus.
When speaking to multiple people, note where feet are pointed as well. If you’re speaking to two people, and one of them generally point to the other person, you’ve probably identified the decision-maker in the group.
Feet will also be the first body part to display fidgeting, although we are less likely to observe it if we’re making eye contact or seated at a table.
ARMS BEHIND BACK
This behavior is similar to the arm-cross. It’s widely written about and often misunderstood. Our species once walked on all fours. Since we did this, our soft bellies were protected from predators by the hard ground below us. Now that we are upright creatures who can take selfies, we walk around with our abdomens exposed, the rib cage not protecting this area.
Behavior expert Mark Bowden has coined the term ‘truth plane’ to describe this area. People who speak with exposed palms just above waist-level and expose their abdomens are more likely to be trusted by others.
When someone places their hands behind their back, it doesn’t mean much more than they don’t feel threatened. They are showing us that they have no need to protect the abdomen whatsoever.
We also see this behavior in authority figures who unconsciously do this to illustrate their confidence. In all reality, however, it simply means that someone feels just fine.
There is one exception to this. If the person has their arms behind their back and one hand is clasping the arm behind the back, this is indicative of self-restraint. This gesture can indicate someone is restraining either due to anger or out of fear they will do something they would rather not. In the anger scenario, you can see this in courtrooms as a suspect stands to listen to a jury’s verdict. In the fear scenario, you can see this when someone who doesn’t want to bungee-jump is peering at the equipment looming near the edge of the platform.
HANDEDNESS
Identifying someone’s dominant hand is something we can all do. From seeing which pocket they carry a wallet in to simply watching them write something, we can all identify clues to spot someone’s dominant hand.
Our dominant hand, and that side of the body, play a major role in our behavior and reveal a lot more than most people think.
In our courses for police and government, I teach people how to predict violent behavior before it happens. One of the most common indicators of pre-violence is a behavior called ‘dominant leg retreat.’ Picture yourself standing normally. If you were to get into a fighting stance or about to hit a punching bag, your dominant foot would draw backward to prepare your body for action.
In police encounters, and especially when someone is attempting to conceal their intent to attack, this backward leg movement is very subtle, sometimes moving only a few inches backward.
I’ve discovered something after decades of watching human behavior: When a person experiences strong disagreement with you, their dominant shoulder will move backward just like the foot does before a fight occurs.
If you’re seated, imagine the person across from you pulling their dominant shoulder away from you. Most of the time, it will be a very subtle movement, only an inch or two backward. But this behavior is a reliable indicator that the person is experiencing a strong negative reaction to something in the conversation.
This behavior is easy to spot without staring at the shoulders, and it may save you a lot of money and time once you’re able to spot it. Here is the method that I teach interrogators and law firms around the country:
When you identify that someone is left or right-handed, place an imaginary red circle in front of that shoulder. It only takes a second to do this. Now that you’ve done this, even if the circle vanishes, your brain is still primed to watch for movement in that area of the person’s body. If you see the shoulder move away from you, you will be able to see it a lot easier.
Compass Notes:
A simple ‘Rh’ or ‘Lh’ will do when filling out the compass for this.
BREATHING LOCATION
If you watch a baby sleeping, you’ll always see one thing they all have in common: they breathe into their abdomens. Their bellies will rise and fall.
Ours do the same when we sleep. In fact, anytime we are fully relaxed, we will breathe into our abdomen. Most of us, especially in new social situations, will breathe into our chest area.
Chest breathing can indicate someone is in disagreement, but this behavior can be the default behavior of people as well. What is important about identifying breathing location early in the conversation is that it enables us to identify when it changes to a different area.
If I see someone breathing into their chests in an interrogation room, and I notice a shift to abdominal breathing, this becomes a good data point.
If I’m speaking with someone who is relaxed and breathing into their abdomen, that’s great. But if I see a shift in breathing location and they suddenly start breathing into their chest, this can indicate something is off.
If you’re looking at someone’s face, you’ll be able to tell if their chest is rising and falling. If their chest isn’t rising and falling, you can assume they are breathing into their abdomen.
Compass Notes:
Make note of when you see shifts in this behavior. Note a quick ‘Ab’ for abdominal breathing or ‘Cb’ for chest breathing, followed by the topic or what was mentioned that likely caused the behavior.
SCENARIO:
You’re on a date. The conversation is going well, and you casually mention reading an article about shoplifting. As you do, your date’s breathing immediately shifts from relaxed, abdominal breathing to chest breathing. While this may not indicate your date is a serial shoplifter, you’ve established a data point that will help you make much better decisions about the future of the date, where the conversation will go, and possibly whether you need to run.
SCENARIO:
You are selling life insurance. After speaking with a client for a few minutes, you note that they are a chest-breather by nature. But as you begin talking about renting an RV for a family vacation, you see the person’s breathing shift into their abdomen. This gives you valuable information about what’s important to this person, and allows you to discuss the benefits of the insurance policy in a way the client will appreciate.
Breathing location is important, but only when we see a change.
SHOULDER MOVEMENT
THE SHOULDER SHRUG
When we shrug our shoulders, it can indicate either submission, an apology, or a lack of information.
When both shoulders go up, our body communicates that we are sorry. If someone asks if you have any idea when a flight is leaving from a gate at the airport, this gesture would probably be exactly what you did if you didn’t know.
Our shoulders also come up when we are fearful. With our fear of large cats still in us from long ago, our shoulders raise to protect the neck. All fear behaviors will protect arteries and blood vessels in some way. This behavior also serves to make us smaller and can reveal someone’s fear of situations or people. When I train police, an indicator I teach them to look for on domestic violence calls is shoulder shrugging. Does the victim show raised shoulders in the presence of the abuser? This can help an officer see what’s really going on behind the scenes.
This expression is also a way to show deference to authority figures. Subordinates may approach a boss with shoulders raised, or a child who wants something from their parents may do this to show deference as well.
In general, people who are experiencing fear of any kind will raise their shoulders. People with anxiety will carry their shoulders high most of the time until they fully relax.
When you see shoulders dropping or relaxing, this is a wonderful sign that you’ve made someone comfortable and accepting.
In conversations, look for this behavior. Not only will the raising of shoulders show you when the person is feeling fearful or uncertain, but it will also expose all the conversational topics and discussion points they are comfortable with and interested in.
Compass Notes:
When taking notes on this, abbreviate using Sh. Raised shoulders should have an up arrow, circled if you’re able to identify the cause of the behavior. And lowering shoulders should be a down arrow, circled for the same reason.
THE SINGLE-SIDED SHRUG
The single-sided shrug occurs when someone quickly raises one shoulder. This differs from the general shoulder shrug in that it communicates a whole different message. This behavior communicates a lack of confidence in what’s being said.
It doesn’t always imply someone is lying, but it can certainly show where someone has little faith in the statement they are making.
Imagine asking a friend how they like their new job. As they say, ‘It’s great!’ one shoulder spikes up. We know they don’t fully believe in the accuracy of their statement.
SCENARIO:
As a newly minted salesperson at a car dealership, you’re speaking with a couple about buying a new SUV. When you ask them if a particular model is the one, they are looking for, you see the woman’s shoulder rise quickly as she says ‘yes.’ Right away, you understand that you will likely have to explore a few more models and see if they like any of them.
SCENARIO:
You’re on a date with someone you met online. The moment they tell you they would like to go on a second date, you observe a single-sided shrug. You’ve either got work to do, or better luck next time.
BARRIER BEHAVIOR
Countries erect barriers, and so do we. Most of the time, this is an unconscious behavior. The table between you and a client is completely clear, then they take a sip of water and set their glass between you and them. This is a barrier.
We place objects between ourselves and others when we feel a need to distance, conceal, or protect ourselves from the conversation or the person.
Barriers can take many forms. For instance, someone buttoning their jacket suddenly in a meeting could be a barrier behavior. A woman pulling a shirt closed as she speaks to someone can be a barrier gesture. Even something as small as placing a phone between you and the other person can be a barrier.
It’s important if we’re communicating to eliminate these as much as possible on our end. Unbutton the jacket, move that water glass, loosen the tie, and scoot that notepad a little to the side. Our removal of barriers, even our own arms, can show transparency and honesty, allowing the other person’s subconscious to process the information we give them with openness and more trust.
There are two things to cover regarding barrier behaviors in the people we speak to.
1. Identification
a. As accurately as you can, identify the things taking place that have caused discomfort. If you see placement of a barrier, ask yourself, ‘What were we just speaking about before this took place?’
b. You may need to backtrack in the conversation and address the issue, or simply decide not to mention it again.
2. Removal
a. If you see a barrier placed, try to get them to remove it. For instance, if I observe someone placing a glass between them and me on a table, I may decide to show them something on my phone, which makes them have to move the glass to the side.
Compass Notes:
Use Bar to annotate this shift in behavior. Make note of what conversation topic you see this with.
HAND TO CHEST
We tend to touch our chests while we express something, we feel emotionally sincere about. This behavior can indicate someone feels strongly about an issue or topic, and this knowledge can help you steer the conversation.
If you see this behavior suddenly in conversation, make note of the topic of discussion.
HYGIENIC BEHAVIOR
Any behavior that has the intention of improving physical appearance is considered hygienic.
These behaviors include:
These behaviors can reveal a lot, depending on the context of the situation.
In interrogations, these behaviors will most often be seen before someone begins to speak. In the subconscious, this is designed to improve physical appearance and assist you in believing the story they are telling.
In sales conversations, this can reveal the moments someone is becoming excited about the potential uses of the product or offer they are hearing about. This can also show us when someone is preparing to discuss something, they are proud of, such as an accomplishment or achievement.
In normal conversations, however, this behavior can indicate arousal, attraction, and interest. Not all of it is romantic, though. People do this regularly in conversations with people they have just met and people they admire.
Unless you’re an interrogator, or you’re speaking to someone who may be deceptive, this is usually a good sign.
SUMMARY
The body moves a lot, but the movements you’ll be able to spot won’t take long to master, and will give you an edge to see well into the subconscious of anyone you speak to. Keep in mind, this is only the beginning.
In the coming chapters, we’re going to investigate very detailed scenarios where you’ll see this in action, and you’ll see exactly how to employ each one of the techniques you’re no learning in REAL TIME.
Let’s talk about lying and deception.